Mom does indeed have an explanation for you. A frenzied, sobbing one that involves pointing a kitchen knife at you.
I heard you were listening to a song on the radio about dying a dog dark green and that's animal abuse and that's an early warning sign of growing up to be a serial killer which is a fact I heard on the TV along with a news special on Punk Rockers who were instructing their violently aggressive audience to steal some money from their mothers to buy a gun and kill their parents and some experts said Punk Rock is just like New Wave and we overheard you say to a friend that you actually liked New Wave and so we were just so scared, baby. You scare us now, baby. So when I saw an ad in one of my suburban lifestyle magazines that talked about potentially dangerous problem children I knew the right thing to do was to call them up and ask what they could do and they told us the best thing we could do is have them take care of you while we just start over fresh and now maybe this time we won't fail and do whatever we did wrong with you.
So you've all figured it out now, alas, a little too late: Camp Knossos is an institutionalized oubliette catering to the timeless fears of parents who feel they are on the verge of creating monsters, not children. The Lurker was the one former Scout who escaped Camp Knossos thirty years ago, only to discover that he, too, had no safe place to which to return, nor would he ever, and neither would any Scout packed off to Camp Knossos. Since then, he lurked around the periphery of the Camp, mercy killing Scouts with secretive, swift blows to the head with his hatchet, and, when the opportunity presents itself, slaughters Counselors with a vicious and hopefully protracted vengeance. In fact, he's the one who dropped that Counselor into the meatgrinder in that earlier scene.
If Mom doesn't finish you off in the kitchen, then let Dad burst through the door with a revving chainsaw as the finishing scare before you make it through the final exit of the maze.
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I hope you were amused and horrified by this theoretical spookhouse attraction! If you need a recap, click here to go back to the initial introduction for this feature, click here to get the premise, and click here to start back at the Entry Façade to begin the walkthrough through each consecutive "Newer Post" link.
Tomorrow: Happy Halloween!
I'm fortunate to be able to hang out with some true geniuses and you, my friend, are the greatest of them all. Now....I'm off to pimp this blog in various venues...
ReplyDeleteThank you! However, I must remind you: Geniuses figure things out, I just make stuff up. Hopefully I can testify that I make things up with a sensible and practical intent, but until I get to Large-Hadron-Collider-grade weekend projects, let's save the Genius title for those more deserving, shall we? Nevertheless, I do appreciate the compliment.
ReplyDeleteThis was really fucking awesome. Thanks for creating this.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome! Hopefully this all communicates as the type of plausible treatment one would use to develop a property, as part of a design skill that can be employed to adapt a client's needs for their own production.
DeleteSadly this year didn't allow me much time for Halloween fun, despite it being the 30th I feel as though I might have already missed it. Thanks to your spook house fun blog I now have the distorted memory - and scarred psyche- that comes with the traditional Halloween fun. Thank you for saving the Holiday for me.
ReplyDeleteYou are most welcome! I just Haz A Sad now that a man who makes awesome fezzes with Calavera Sugar Skulls and Steamcrow Pumpkins & Crossbones doesn't have time for Halloween fun. May you salvage some traditional seasonal celebration just in time.
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